#20 ENCOURAGEMENT ENTANGLED WITH FEAR DURING CANCER JOURNEY
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Welcome back! I’m going to share some unexpected out of the blue good news. Then a situation where the enemy tried to consume me with fear.
Sometimes when we feel totally overwhelmed, God will out of the blue send a wave of good news. That’s exactly what he did during this time. One day, the same day, I got two phone calls that brought exciting good news.
On March 25th , 2021 I received a call from the financial services in the Oncology department. She explained that there was a Herceptin copay care program. Because insurance had processed a Herceptin claim that I still owed a little over $2900 on, the Herceptin Co-Pay program would pay for it. So basically the Herceptin program reduced my hospital infusion bill by $2,924.22. That was a totally unexpected blessing!
The same day, I received a call from the exercise area associated with the hospital. I had been asked if I wanted to participate in an exercise program. Depending on the specifications of the program, I had told them I possibly was interested. This phone call informed me that I would have my own personal trainer for a half hour twice a week. He would assess my physical capability and needs to create an exercise program for me. The amazing part was when he said it was totally free. This is a program created specifically for cancer patients. I was one of three people chosen for the program. I’m hoping some of the exercises can focus on weight bearing exercises that will help increase my bone density too. After being in the program, I want to thank God for this opportunity. I can feel my body getting stronger and healthier as a result of the exercise. I had to chuckle one time the nurse practitioner was checking me. She commented that I even was forming a 6-pack. Now that was hard for me to believe but I agree my core muscles are definitely getting stronger! I was sharing this comment with my massage therapist a few weeks later. She even commented that she could tell the difference in my muscle tone. So I greatly thank the Lord for this opportunity.
Now the circumstances that led me down the path of fear. I was scheduled for a PET scan April 15, 2021 to make sure there was no more cancer in my body. I thought I would share the process in case you didn’t know what it was like. I had prepared my port an hour before with numbing cream. They called my name and took me to a small room. That person I think was the technician. She asked me a lot of questions. Then a nurse came in the room and cleaned the port area and inserted the needle into the port. Another person came to the room with a canister. The nurse took the radiation from the canister and inserted it into the tube hanging from my port. She then removed the needle from the port.
I was given a glass of water and a warm blanket. I put the foot rest up to the recliner I was sitting in and snuggled in the blanket. I had to sit there in dim light for an hour. I was to drink the water which would enable the radiation to move through my body better. I was not to look at my phone or do any thinking activity. If I did, it could alter the results.
When the hour was done, the technician came back into the room and took me to the PET scan area. Because of neck issues I typically take my horse shoe pillow to use instead of their pillows I laid on the PET scan table. I had my arms across my stomach and she put a blanket over me. I then felt her apply a strap to help hold my body on the table. I explained that I could get claustrophobic and asked if she could remove the strap. She did which greatly helped. Because I have claustrophobic tendencies I asked for a cloth to lay over my eyes.
I laid on the PET scan table for about 20 minutes as it positioned me in and out of the machine. I prayed during most of it especially when my eyes could tell it was darker. I knew I was positioned in the machine which was darker and I tried to focus my mind on something else so I wouldn’t feel the claustrophobic feeling. After about 20 minutes, the machine noise stopped and I was told I was done. The technician escorted me out.
I will be honest, I was very apprehensive about the results. I was still standing on the rock, what God’s word proclaims. Yet my faith had gotten weary over the last year believing by faith with the results often more bad news. I specifically was praying that God would give me an excellent report from the PET scan. I was scheduled to meet with the oncologist the next week to get the results.
However, the next day an oncology nurse called me. She said that my oncologist wanted me to have a CAT scan with contrast done before I saw him the next week. He wanted to check on something called infiltrations. I asked her to try to explain. She could not really explain any details but said he wanted to check to see if I had any infection. I explained to her that I had been diagnosed with shingles. I wondered if that was the infection it might be showing. The oncology nurse did not know.
This phone call really emotionally upset me. Fear tried to overtake me. A thought of let’s just die and get out of this continual trying journey even popped in my head. I recognized the devil was trying to take my emotions and mind down that pit of despair again. I knew my faith was weary. What is weird is that I can pray for others fully believing for a miracle and God answers. Yet it’s hard to feel bold faith when I pray for myself. I know it’s because last year I prayed so hard believing and then would get a bad report. So anytime I wait for results now, I will be honest, I get afraid. So I have to force myself to focus on what scripture says and let it try to restore my faith to belief. I tried something new this time. I googled Christian harp music. I listened to it on my phone while I worked. The beautiful melodic music really helped calm my spirit.
I also asked my pastor for advice. He said it’s understandable how I could feel the way I do because I’ve been through a lot. It’s OK to be scared, down and broken at times. He said a good cry can help too. The Lord understands! He suggested using worship music and start worshipping God in spite of how I feel. He said to not beat myself up for wearing down at times. He says that is natural. He suggested to pray and worship in the Spirit. If I prayed for others, it would help get my mind off of my situation too.
So even though the first four months of 2021 were somewhat a rollercoaster, God did intertwine some good news.
In Deuteronomy 31:6 (NLT) it encourages us. “So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” So we need to be encouraged to know God is with us. So when we are in those trying situations, we need to try not to panic and have courage because we know He is with us.
Next time, I am going to continue sharing about how the cancer tests caused great fear in me and how I tried to deal with it. I hope you will continue to join me.
